Justracing woke up in a cold sweat the other night from audible "e-orr, e-orr" sounds reverberating around the bedroom. You see that all happened after this young lady - Felicity - had put me through to talk to the Queen about her horse that is allegedly here for the Caulfield and Melbourne Cups. Today I can exclusively reveal details of my conversation with both Felicity and Liz and which "Cup" Bold Sniper is headed to after last Sunday's Flemington shocker. (Photo David Clarkson)
It was 3am and I woke up in a cold sweat. Audible “e-orr, e-orr” sounds were reverberating around the room. I’d just had the most amazing phone conversation with no other than the Queen of England. Strange as it may seem, we got on like a house on fire, although the famous “they” do say that opposites attract. And amazingly I even managed to get an “exclusive” from Her Majesty about the wonderful equine athlete that she recently deported, sorry sent, to Australia to represent her – Bold Sniper.
Upon awakening from my slumber, my immediate recollection of the conversation with Buckingham Palace went like this:
Phone rings at Buckingham Palace and is answered by the receptionist who says: “Ooh hello this is Buckingham Palace, you’re speaking with Felicity.
Justracing: Hi Felicity, it’s Phil Purser from Australia, I was hoping to talk to Her Majesty please.
Justracing: Oh you wouldn’t have heard of me – Phil Purser.
Felicity: Are you the racing bloke from Orstralia?
Justracing: It’s Australia Felicity – not Orstralia.
Felicity: Yeah I know of you, I have Justracing in my favourites.
Justracing: Oh that’s wonderful Felicity.
Felicity: Ever since I read where you think you may be a descendant of convict stock that was sent over there with Cookie in 1788, I’ve been a fan. Part of my job here every day is to Google “Convict descendants that made good in the former penal colony of Australia” and your name came up and I showed Her Majesty one day after she’d finished playing with the corgis. So she and her hubby Phil are now fans also, as she reckons Philip actually means lover of horses, so you probably have the industry at heart.
Justracing: Yes I do Felicity, but like most things in life, everything is just so passive and patronizing with all these crusty old committee men patting themselves on the back and telling each other how good they are for racing and there’s only myself and about one other bloke – and he’s got a website also, that will write the hard stories.
Felicity: Yeah I know what you’re saying Phil, I was reading some paper the other day in the toilet here. Don’t print this exclusive, but we use cut up Australian newspapers in the toilets here to save money, so that the peasants (constituents) don’t get browned off. Like it sort of takes their mind off how many castles and jewels Her Majesty owns, if we look as if we’re trying to economise. Anyway some of the crap I read in the racing part of Australian newspapers whilst I’m sitting on the throne, certainly means the toilet is the right place the papers need to be re-homed once they’ve been read. Most of what is written by alleged racing journalists is just vomitable tripe, so keep up the good work Phil.
Justracing: Gee thanks Felicity, it’s great to have support from devotees like you who live so far away. Anyway I was hoping to do an interview with Her Majesty about a racehorse she’s banished to Australia called Bold Sniper.
Felicity: Oh that (expletive) camel. Please don’t print this, but by George it should be running wild in the deserts of Dubai, or maybe the Simpson Desert in Orstralia that’s obviously named after the opening batsman for Orstralia that time – Bobby Simpson? Anyway back to Bold Sniper, I fancy Her Majesty deported him to Orstralia simply because she was sick of the sight of him here. In fact the cat hasn’t scored for as long as the vagrant who lives in the local park. If the peasants (constituents) here are paying taxes to support her passion for racing slow racehorses both here and in foreign countries, there could be a riot in London, so she understandably has to be mindful of that.
Justracing: No, anything you say to me stays strictly between us Felicity. So would it be possible to speak to Her Majesty?
Felicity: Yeah maybe. Are you going to run a story on Bold Sniper?
Justracing: Yes hopefully on Thursday 8 October.
Felicity: And whose photo are you going to put up – Her Majesty, Bold Sniper or mine?
Justracing: I’m easy.
Felicity: Yes, I figured that. You’ve used my photo, which that David Clarkson bloke took when he was at Royal Ascot a few years ago. You might recall the photo. I’m the big girl with the big smile and the nice teeth, whose photo you’ve used before, so feel free to use it again. If websites are all about hits, without being aloof I feel my photo would have more aesthetic appeal than an 80-odd year old Queen.
Justracing: Oh you’re that Felicity. Yes I remember that photo. I must say that you scrubbed up okay.
Felicity: Thanks so much. Your kind words mean a lot to me, because I know you’re a hard marker. Hang on, here’s Her Majesty now. Excuse me, Your Majesty, I have your devoted subject and probable convict descendant Phil Purser on the phone from Orstralia to talk to you about Bold Sniper.
Felicity: Your horse, Bold Sniper.
Liz: Oh Lordy Lordy I’ve got so many horses that I lose track of them. I wondered why I hadn’t seen or patted him lately. So he’s in Orstralia is he? Is Phil Purser the Justracing bloke who we have in our favourites?
Felicity: Exactly Your Majesty.
Liz: What a hoot. Transfer him through to my office so I can put him on speaker. I love the Aussie accent.
Felicity: Hang on Phil, just transferring you now. If I ever come to Orstralia would you be able to chaperone me around your big country.
Justracing: Look I would just have to clear it with my besotted bride first Felicity, which could be a bit of a stumbling block, as my experience is that wives and/or girlfriends tend to get a bit fizzy and have a phobia about big girls with a big smile and nice teeth, but I’d certainly do my best to get a leave pass and show you around the former convict colony. It would probably take us about a month for me to get to show you a bit of Australia. We wouldn’t want to rush now would we?
Liz: Oh hello, this is Her Majesty speaking.
Justracing: Hi Your Majesty, may I call you Liz?
Liz: Hell yeah.
Justracing: Would you be kind enough to answer a few questions for me for a story I’m writing about this cat, sorry donkey, sorry racehorse, that you’ve sent to Australia called Bold Sniper?
Liz: Yeah sure peasant Philip - what did you want to know?
Justracing: I see this horse has been sent to David Hayes and Tom Dabernig to train. How did you pick them?
Liz: Well I had a horse once called Carlton House, which you might remember, and I sent it to Gail Waterhouse to train in the former convict capital of Orstralia, Sydney, a couple of years ago. So after giving that horse to Gail, I thought this time I’d send one to a male, or some wanker will accuse me of gender discrimination.
Justracing: You mean Gai, not Gail.
Liz: Sorry. Whatever. I’ve got that many trainers around the globe with horses of mine that I lose track.
Justracing: So have you sent Bold Sniper to Australia with the express purpose of winning one of our big Cups like say the Caulfield Cup or the Melbourne Cup?
Liz: Yes well he is nominated for both of those Cups but that was just a bit of a smokescreen really. The facts and realities are that I just wanted to get rid of him from England as I was sick of the sight of him. I wasn’t happy with his seventeenth of 19 to Mutual Regard in the Ebor Handicap at York on 23 August 2014, so I thought what the hell am I going to do with this slow excuse for a racehorse? Then I thought to myself that Irish subject, Dermot Weld, won a Melbourne Cup once with a hurdler of his that time – Vintage Crop – so why not banish, sorry transport, my slow ones over to the former penal colony of Orstralia.
Justracing: But Liz, the horse Bold Sniper hasn’t won a race anywhere for 26 months and last Sunday at Flemington in the Bart Cummings your horse went like a crippled soldier crab and nearly held up the next.
Liz: Well if he was any good he’d still be here wouldn’t he? Are you thick or what? Did you listen to anything I just told you? Anyway from your perspective as a peasant, do you not think he’ll make the grade in Orstralia?
Justracing: To be honest – no. He looks like just another imported English camel to me Liz and it’s so sad to me as Australia was once only a dumping ground for your human trash, but now we are a dumping ground for all your equine trash as well and that’s deplorable really as we have enough slow ones here, without more arriving almost daily. We’ve got ex-English camels racing here like At First Sight, which is just getting giddy going around. He hasn’t won for 74 months. He couldn’t win in England and he can’t win one here.
Liz: I know what you are saying and I’d ask to use your wonderful website to please apologise to all the descendants of convicts over all these slow racehorses that we dump there. And obviously all the convicts we dumped there in 1788 or whenever it was have bred like rabbits since and I see recently where there are well over 20-million people living in Orstralia now. I’ll ring David Hayes and Tom Dabernig later today and tell them to switch tack and cancel Caulfield and Melbourne Cup plans and to go to the Hanging Rock Cup instead. That will give you an exclusive.
Justracing: Thanks for your time Liz.
Liz: You’re most welcome. Feel free to ring me anytime. And keep giving it to racing officialdom on your website. You owe it to your convict forebears to keep fighting the good fight.
Justracing: Thanks Liz.
The interview concluded.
Today on www.brisbaneracing.com.au there’s a montage of what I thought readers would find “interesting photos” that I’ve taken over the years. On www.sydneyracing.com.au there’s a HRNSW Media Release regarding unregistered products being offered to trainers, whilst on www.melbourneracing.com.au there’s a look back at how Victorian bred 2YOs totally dominated along the eastern seaboard last weekend.