31/07/14

It’s simply a fact of life that most marriages fail. The current attrition rate is about 43% (source aipc.net.au website), so in racing parlance, the humanoids tying the knot this Saturday have about an even money chance at either staying married for the rest of their life or getting divorced. So if it’s pretty much a fait accompli that this “marriage” business is going to end in grief for both parties, then why is the concept so popular in 2014? Why haven’t we come up with a new solution like “let’s change partners every two years to make sure the women are getting spoilt all the time via flowers and chocolates whilst they are dressing up in lingerie for the hubby to duck home from work in the lunch hour” and the allied fun and games that probably went on in your life that are now but a distant memory? Just an idea I’ve had along the path of life that I’m happy to throw out there as a possible solution to a bad problem in our society – just trying to help.

Anyway back to the score at the Test and I accept that some partners in marriage seem to be so smitten with each other that they just can’t see the forest for the trees. In fact only a matter of weeks ago we had an old cougar sheila named “Tattsbet” jump in the cot with the youthful testosterone engorged “Racing Queensland”. Sure the old sheila will satisfy all his wants and needs in the short term as put simply most marriage partners do fuss over each other in the formative years, but in the case of these two marriage partners, they’ve signed up to keep the excitement happening for 30 years. Believe me in 30 years time – unless the old cougar Tattsbet has had so many botox injections all over her ailing body that she’ll look like a pin cushion in a vain endeavour to try to stop the ageing process, the young buck Racing Queensland is going to be jumping the fence to find more satisfaction than she can supply. And you see that’s exactly where the problems come in. Watch any episode of Jerry Springer and you see it all unfold before your eyes. The once gorgeous wife starts having children, the wife isn’t doing enough ceiling consultancy, the hubby gets sick of having three Adam’s apples, so he jumps the fence to the bird next door after she saw him hot and sweaty when he popped by to mow her lawn after her husband had fallen from a second storey apartment as high as a kite on meth amphetamines – and died. Put bluntly it happens all the time. Watch Jerry Springer or Cheaters nowadays given Heartbalm in the Melbourne Truth is no more – and you can get yourself educated on modern day society and all its ho’s. That would be my advice. And today’s television shows bring the action live to your living room. In the Melbourne Truth you had to paint a picture in your mind. Now you get to see all the action highlights in replay. If it wasn’t so serious it would be as funny as a tin of worms.

But again I digress. I’ll happily say publicly that I’m a 1955 model and in my younger days I had a full blown affair with the old cougar “Tattsbet”, so it’s safe to say “she’s been around the block a few times”. On the one hand that’s advantageous as she’s experienced and will be able to help out in a sticky situation, but at what cost? Is she harbouring any contagious diseases from all her encounters to this point? With respect I’d suggest that she’s been so used and abused to this point by male punters that she’s immune to feelings? Does she care about the feelings of all those vibrant eager males who want to visit her on Saturday afternoon to score a windfall? Sadly many males even want to try to score with her every day as they’ve had enough of the wife, girlfriend or both?

This old “Tattsbet” cougar has had a few name changes along the way to try to disguise her sordid past due to the fact that “she’s been around the block a few times”, but in the stark light of day she’s the same old sheila – deceptively taking money from males at every opportunity.

She’s so old that she’s tired. In her ageing mind – and probably in reality – she’s done every imaginable contortionist act to keep her many male suitors happy, but she’s not winning that war because many of the males that were once happy to just give her a healthy contribution each Saturday afternoon have now given up on her and have gone elsewhere to contribute. She’s treated them so badly for so long now they are very gun-shy about being involved with her. She’s let them down at nearly every call. These men who she once had under her spell have headed to places like the Northern Territory to find a replacement sheila – and they fancy they are on a winner up there. Her name is “Corporates” and she’s so talented at what she does that she makes 1) Tattsbet hanging from the chandelier or 2) Monica blowing smoke rings in the Oval Office with a cigar, look like a Sunday School picnic.

But don’t get me wrong, “Corporates” is taking mug males money all the time. The bigger the loser they are, the more gifts and offers she’ll shower on them. “Tattsbet” just took it for granted that if she kept putting out, that dopey males would just keep knocking on her door – kinda throwing themselves at her. But that was 100% wrong as whilst males are pretty slow on the uptake, present company excepted, eventually they started looking at other gals that could fulfil their wants and needs. You see when “Tattsbet” started plying her trade back in the 1960’s, there was no Internet. Nowadays the Internet brings “Corporates” into the “slow on the uptake” males lounge room and he can have her anytime he wants – 24/7 – as long as he’s got the dough, ray, me.

When I first started going out with Tattsbet she went under the alias of “the Queensland TAB”. She was new, she was young and she was vibrant and it seemed back then that every male on the planet wanted to climb aboard for the ride of their life. But when “the Queensland TAB” had got a bit thin with many of her followers, she changed her name again – this time to “UNiTAB”. Stupid old sheila, she was just an older version of “the Queensland TAB” but she thought if she spelled her name in capitals except for the small letter “i” that dopey males wouldn’t twig and would think they were out on the town with a new chic. Not so – as she was in reality the same sheila with a different name. Now she’s “Tattsbet” and as she’s aged disgracefully she’s got the whole new generation chasing her on their iPad, iPhone or wanting to talk to her over the phone from the privacy of their own home, whilst the wife is out shopping – and all this garbage.

“Tattsbet” indeed cannot disguise her sordid past. Her owners have let her loose in Queensland and then she got such an inflated view of herself and her abilities that she spread herself all around South Australia, the Northern Territory and Tasmania as well. Now it’s simply a fact of life that she’s taken numerous male victims in four States and/or territorys. Seems she’s got herself a bad name everywhere. You visit her and you get the distinct impression that her owners don’t care as her service is regularly awful. If you think you might try to score with her at 6pm, 7pm or 8pm at night – she’s often closed down for the night and gone home, or fishing, or something. She should have Sky Channel 1 and Sky Channel 2 on display in her home to add to the viewing pleasure of the male that is visiting her home of ill repute, but so often the male pulls his hair out – if he has any left from being with her from way back in “the Queensland TAB” days – as she only has Sky Channel 1 and her owner doesn’t give two hoots about making her have both Sky Channel 1 and Sky Channel 2 in each of her homes. That’s deplorable.

Nowadays “Tattsbet” is just old and crusty. So old and crusty in fact that it’s hard to find a pulse. Seems the only way to get the old sheila to move any part of her anatomy these days is via a strategically placed cattle prod. There’s no way Racing Queensland will stay with her for 30 years. She won’t even last 30 years. In her sorry current state, hopefully she’ll be taken to eternal rest long before then.

Today on www.brisbaneracing.com.au there’s the second montage of photos from Doomben last Saturday plus I again for the hundredth time raise the debate that horses that hit their head on the barrier should be automatic scratchings. On www.sydneyracing.com.au there’s a breeding story, whilst on www.melbourneracing.com.au Matt Nicholls puts forward his wish list for the next racing season which starts tomorrow.